Thursday, October 27, 2011

Sorry

I've had no motivation to post, I've really been feeling down. I got started on some new pills for my depression, if these don't work I'll have to start taking stronger ones that work on two parts of the brain, the ones I'm taking now just work on the serotonin, I probaly spelt that wrong, but the other ones work on two parts, I forgot what the other chemical was called. I just started the new pills so its only been one day so of course I'm not feeling anything, I'm pretty numb right now. I've had about 400 calories today and its almost 4pm. I'm dreading having to eat more, I don't know what is going on I was so all for recovery but right now I don't care and I don't want it, but I know whats right, I know what I should do, but I don't know what I want. I wish it was easier. I wish I could eat and not care, I wish I could eat and not feel like a disgusting piece of trash.

~Laska

Friday, October 14, 2011

So

I haven't been on here in a while been having a hard time though I should write about it.
I've been numb a lot recently, or depressed, I was doing good for a while but now I'm down, I mentioned bi polar to my therapist but then said I don't get manic she said "Maybe when you're thinking about recover that is your mania." I still don't think I'm bi polar.
So I was feeling good got my new jeans on then as I was changing into my top I saw my stomach and I thought I looked horrible cried and then a friend made me feel even worse and cried some more and did something bad I cut, and then I snapped at my sister. So today hasn't been good.
I talked with my therapist about colleges she thinks I should move out of state or a different city to get away from my parents. I think so too.
Then she also told me about a farm here, it's a petting farm, and it has horses and lets people with mental disabilites ride them for therapy, so I might voulenteer there. I'm gonna call them tomorrow but they might not be open since it'll be Saturday but I'm gonna try, if not I'll call on Monday. I'm looking foward to it.

~Laska

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Smiles

Okay so I got good news and bad news I'll get the bad news out of the way first.
I really, really, really, wanna purge. I ate too much and I was sitting at the dinner table thinking "Gosh, I'd love to binge right about now." I was staring at the bread on the table wishing I could jam it all into my mouth, but thats just wasting food. Today is my last day to be fat, I gotta stop over eating, since I have been lately, and eat healthy amounts.
Good news now I figured out what I wanna study in college, I am gonna study psychology and foreign languages, I'm very excited (finally about something other then my ED) and can't wait for college to start.
Also I'm starting to feel uncomfortable with my body so I'm going to start working out more BUT only to tone up not to lose weight. I hope it stays that way.
As much as I'd like to starve and purge I know I can't get anywhere with my eating disorder.

~Laska

Thursday, September 29, 2011

My day

Got back from my doctors about 2 hours ago.
Told her I was taking percocet, she was shocked as it can be very addiciting and you'll go through withdrawals, even if you've only took them a few times, so I'm off them. Still nothing works for my headaches I took 600mg of Ibprofuen, but its still here. Hopefully its gone by tomorrow. I have been having trouble breathing a lot lately too, so I brought that up she said it was anxiety but I don't know what I'm anxious about, she said it was probaly because I was gaining weight, so she told me I can stay the weight I'm at right now, since I'm a healthy weight, I'm 106.4, same as I was last time but thats okay, anyways got off topic lol she put me on Klonopin, for the anxiety, but that is very addictive too so it's only for when I need it and short term.
I also have an interview at Joanns, its a fabric store looking forward to it, I'm trying to get sleep but my mind won't shut up.
Also going to an eating disorders anonymous meeting, yea I can't spell but yea.

~Laska

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Doctors

So I went to the doctors for my headache, they gave me percocet, I took some and its meant to put me to sleep but I'm wide awake when just like half an hour ago I was dead tired.
I've been feeling to sick to eat much and Edna (my ED) tells me "yes, yes, don't eat! Lose as much weight as you can!"
Screw you Edna! Though I really do wanna lose the weight like I've said I can't do what I want if I do lose the weight.
I got a doctors apointment tomorrow in Phoenix for my eating disorder, its a doctors that specializes in eating disorders, but I might not go if I still feel sick.
I hate gaining weight, I just hope it'll get easier.

~Laska

headaches

I've had one for 3 days now and I can't get rid of it.
I've eaten a good amount drank a good amount nothing works, took pills too ones for miagraines. I'm going nuts it hurts =[

~Laska

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Introduction

Hey guys just call me Laska.
This is my recovery blog.
So I got forced into recovery a while ago and I wasn't too happy about it, I hated it and I had planned to lose the weight the minute I got out of there, I'm still struggling with the thoughts of losing it the minute I get out, but if I do I can't do what I wanna do.
I wanna help girl and guys out in my situation, with EDs I can't do that if I'm sick myself so I gotta get better.
Anyways if anyone has any questions or needs support just let me know.

~Laska