I've had no motivation to post, I've really been feeling down. I got started on some new pills for my depression, if these don't work I'll have to start taking stronger ones that work on two parts of the brain, the ones I'm taking now just work on the serotonin, I probaly spelt that wrong, but the other ones work on two parts, I forgot what the other chemical was called. I just started the new pills so its only been one day so of course I'm not feeling anything, I'm pretty numb right now. I've had about 400 calories today and its almost 4pm. I'm dreading having to eat more, I don't know what is going on I was so all for recovery but right now I don't care and I don't want it, but I know whats right, I know what I should do, but I don't know what I want. I wish it was easier. I wish I could eat and not care, I wish I could eat and not feel like a disgusting piece of trash.
~Laska
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
So
I haven't been on here in a while been having a hard time though I should write about it.
I've been numb a lot recently, or depressed, I was doing good for a while but now I'm down, I mentioned bi polar to my therapist but then said I don't get manic she said "Maybe when you're thinking about recover that is your mania." I still don't think I'm bi polar.
So I was feeling good got my new jeans on then as I was changing into my top I saw my stomach and I thought I looked horrible cried and then a friend made me feel even worse and cried some more and did something bad I cut, and then I snapped at my sister. So today hasn't been good.
I talked with my therapist about colleges she thinks I should move out of state or a different city to get away from my parents. I think so too.
Then she also told me about a farm here, it's a petting farm, and it has horses and lets people with mental disabilites ride them for therapy, so I might voulenteer there. I'm gonna call them tomorrow but they might not be open since it'll be Saturday but I'm gonna try, if not I'll call on Monday. I'm looking foward to it.
~Laska
I've been numb a lot recently, or depressed, I was doing good for a while but now I'm down, I mentioned bi polar to my therapist but then said I don't get manic she said "Maybe when you're thinking about recover that is your mania." I still don't think I'm bi polar.
So I was feeling good got my new jeans on then as I was changing into my top I saw my stomach and I thought I looked horrible cried and then a friend made me feel even worse and cried some more and did something bad I cut, and then I snapped at my sister. So today hasn't been good.
I talked with my therapist about colleges she thinks I should move out of state or a different city to get away from my parents. I think so too.
Then she also told me about a farm here, it's a petting farm, and it has horses and lets people with mental disabilites ride them for therapy, so I might voulenteer there. I'm gonna call them tomorrow but they might not be open since it'll be Saturday but I'm gonna try, if not I'll call on Monday. I'm looking foward to it.
~Laska
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Smiles
Okay so I got good news and bad news I'll get the bad news out of the way first.
I really, really, really, wanna purge. I ate too much and I was sitting at the dinner table thinking "Gosh, I'd love to binge right about now." I was staring at the bread on the table wishing I could jam it all into my mouth, but thats just wasting food. Today is my last day to be fat, I gotta stop over eating, since I have been lately, and eat healthy amounts.
Good news now I figured out what I wanna study in college, I am gonna study psychology and foreign languages, I'm very excited (finally about something other then my ED) and can't wait for college to start.
Also I'm starting to feel uncomfortable with my body so I'm going to start working out more BUT only to tone up not to lose weight. I hope it stays that way.
As much as I'd like to starve and purge I know I can't get anywhere with my eating disorder.
~Laska
I really, really, really, wanna purge. I ate too much and I was sitting at the dinner table thinking "Gosh, I'd love to binge right about now." I was staring at the bread on the table wishing I could jam it all into my mouth, but thats just wasting food. Today is my last day to be fat, I gotta stop over eating, since I have been lately, and eat healthy amounts.
Good news now I figured out what I wanna study in college, I am gonna study psychology and foreign languages, I'm very excited (finally about something other then my ED) and can't wait for college to start.
Also I'm starting to feel uncomfortable with my body so I'm going to start working out more BUT only to tone up not to lose weight. I hope it stays that way.
As much as I'd like to starve and purge I know I can't get anywhere with my eating disorder.
~Laska
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